Grace Over Guilt

In this quarantine season, God has been so kind to give me moments of pause. I used to love letting my mind wander, but it seems the ability to philosophize is the luxury of the untraumatized. With the combination of time, rest, prayer, and therapy, my mind is beginning to wander to wonderful places again. I also am able to be more passively self-reflective into the way that I interact with the world and it interacts with me. A key step in this reflective journey has been the enneagram. I have tested as a two in the past (the "helper" personality), but this spring on the official test I was labeled a seven (the "enthusiast") with a wing, or sub personality, of an eight (the "challenger"). If somehow you have managed to avoid the enneagram in your social medial scrolling, I encourage you to do some research into the process and product. I am loving learning my natural strength and weaknesses. Self-awareness is the first step in growth. 

One of the things I am learning about myself through the framework of the enneagram is that in growth and health, I love to think. I find peace is asking deep questions, in discussing deep feelings, and in friend-group philosophizing. Given the origins of this blog, that makes a whole lot of sense for me, now doesn't it? I am a writer of poetry, lyrics, and reflections of various kinds such as the one you are reading right now. 

On the other hand, I am also learning about my unhealthy tendencies. Under extreme stress, or some could argue living post-trauma, I have tendencies to move towards perfectionism. I have a strong inner-critic telling me that any effort I make simply isn't good enough, and neither are the efforts of those around me. I can swing into pointing out what is wrong, before celebrating what is right. In the steps towards healing I have taken this year, I am feeling myself switch out of "survival mode" and back into who Betsy really is at her core. It has been heart-breakingly beautiful.  It is hard to describe. It kinda feels like colors are starting to become more vivid, the wind makes me smile again, and I am present in conversations more often. It is like the first steps out of a shadow. 

As I have been reflecting on my tendencies, I have realized I live my life under the paradigm of guilt. I believe in showing empathy towards others, but do not show that empathy to myself. I have been living in shame of imperfections, and in awe that God loves, accepts, and uses me despite them. From the most mundane task to deep spiritual disturbance, my first response to myself is rarely grace. The purpose of this reflection is to ask a deep question: what is the difference between conviction and guilt? 

The Bible is clear: guilt and shame are not of God. Re-read that. Jesus lifts the face of the sinner, stops the arm of the stone- thrower, and forgives what the world around him said was unforgivable. Guilt and shame are rooted in fear: the fear that we are unlovable by a holy God, unsavable by a perfect Savior. The absolutely counter-cultural (some may dare to call it reckless by the world's standard) truth is this: Jesus responds to guilt with grace. 

That grace comes with conviction: an understanding of our sin with a call to action. The action does not earn us grace, but rather is the natural response to it. We are forgiven much, we are to forgive others much, and we must learn to forgive ourselves much as well. We are called to walk in freedom alongside of repentance. We are lovingly shown our sin by Jesus, and then just as he said in John 8:11 to the adulteress women who he stopped from being stoned, "Neither do I condemn you...Go, and sin no more." 

When we let go of self-guilt and shame, we start to see the love of the Good Father more clearly. Last night, I spent time with friends who have a young son. I watched the way they let him wander and explore, yet never out of reach or out of sight. That is the freedom we walk in as Children of God. That is the love we have been given that won't every be taken away. A love that holds us steady as our weak, toddling feet slip on the stony path of life. A love that even when we are crying in the mess we have made gently smiles, scoops us up in His arms, and assures us that this is just a moment in time that we will learn and grow from. A love that teaches us how to love like the Creator of Love himself. 

Walk in the confidence that you are and always will be a Child of God, and as you grow in grace, you will grow in holiness. 

Choose to live in freedom over fear, sanctification over shame, and grace over guilt.